One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
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I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
When news reporters do sports stories
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.