“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
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There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.