How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
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Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
the greatest twitter interaction
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.