“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
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The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.