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I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
From Facebook just now…
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow