Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
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Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
We decided to have money instead of children.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.