Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
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*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
they split up moments later
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
so weird how every mom was born today
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here