I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
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{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
lol
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?