Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
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A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
nice challenge
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*