[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
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I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Sex so good you see dead people.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
the composer
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
twitter is a journey
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN