“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
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Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
A dad and his duck
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours