Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
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My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.