How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
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Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*