HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
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“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Netflix: We have Less
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds