People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
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Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Anime is real
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.