5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
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I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
wish me luck lads
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.