Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
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just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?