I think this should do it.
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I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year