I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
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Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.