I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
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Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Just a phase…
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past