So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
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[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Birds & Planes.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs