My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
You Might Also Like
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.