hackers play passwordle
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why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm