evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
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I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”