gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
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Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean