Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.