Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
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Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Yup.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals