5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
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*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family