I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
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My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.