[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
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All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
God has left this place
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.