Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Your honor these allegations are
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.