Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage š
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[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: letās start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: Heās starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GODā¦
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HEāS GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Donāt. Youāre the adult.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying āThanksā.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, heās
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea Iām ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Iām not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know Iāve seen some cooking shows.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriendās roommates