Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
You Might Also Like
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?