I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
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How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??