I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
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the only bumper sticker ill allow
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Me sliding into hell like