Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
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All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Fiction has to make sense.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying