Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
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[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?