[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
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I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Blew out my flip flop…
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.