What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
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Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts: