Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
starting a garage orchestra
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?