Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
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Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.