You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
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God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
🙋♀️
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.