Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
❤️❤️❤️
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”