Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
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Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.