I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
You Might Also Like
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I had to Stop for this
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
No laws when master is gone
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens