Thou shalt not commit adulthood
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Basketball
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.