I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
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Rich People Podcasts are wild.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craigâs List?! Youâre telling me I donât have to do the laundry AND Iâm making money?!
Iâve been doing life all wrong.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I donât really think thatâs what Jesus would have wanted
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my dateâs white cat?!
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I wonât let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I forgot the word âvibrateâ so I said Iâd set my phone to purr.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My client sent an email that read, ââŚand then he said why donât you myofb!â
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficultđ
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said âthe first date better be outdoorsâ so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like âi meant more like, patio drinksâ
I’M CRYINGGG
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Me: Iâm so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.