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look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
“no gods no masters” = leo
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?