How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
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I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
“What?”
– Jude
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.