Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
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Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I’m listening
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money